Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That's when you crack a 10am beer
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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