I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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