I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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