I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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