I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
