is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
