Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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