absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
