cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
