My girlfriend figured out who you are.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
