did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
