She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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