i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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