I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
