walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
