my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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