Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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