Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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