phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
