is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
