just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
