I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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