He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
