She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
