Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
