the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
