i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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