chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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