She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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