I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
