i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
