apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
