I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
4 words: hood of his car
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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