Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
