mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
