Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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