So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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