Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
