im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize