Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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