I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
