time to smoke my breakfast
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
