my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well I just put wine in my tea
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
