garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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