the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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