I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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