I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize