Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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