ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
