You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
