that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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