trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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