Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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