im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
