don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
