Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
