he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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