Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
