I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
