are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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