he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
