and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
