Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize