I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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