Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just puked most of my soul out..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
