I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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