My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize